Songs Of Solace
by adhdhedgehog
Summary: Thalia Trevelyan had always been the image of strength. Nothing seemed to sway her. But after walking through a living nightmare in Adamant, her strength is shaken. Who will be there to pick up the pieces?


**(A/N: Well, here it is! My first ever fanfiction. I must admit, I have been quite nervous to post this! But here we are. This story was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend of mine. We both were talking about how we loved the songs from the soundtrack, and how we particularly loved how we could hear Cullen's voice in the Dawn Will Come during the gameplay. We thought that with a voice like that, well it would be absolutely lovely if he used it to sing to the inquisitor to comfort her. I hope you enjoy! Please review! I would love to hear your feedback!)**

 ***Disclaimer: I do not own the characters nor the songs. All belong to Bioware, I am merely playing in their sandbox.***

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The journey back from Adamant seemed to pass by in a blur. Inquisitor Thalia Trevelyan could hardly remember traveling at all. The memories from her experience in the Fade seemed to replay over and over in her mind, like a festering wound. Through all the horrors previous that Thalia had faced, she had been able to recover quickly and shake off their effects. But the Fade… the things she saw there, well, were not so easily brushed away. Terrible memories that she had been quite grateful to forget, were revealed to her once more, and not just to her, but to all that were with her in that living nightmare.

When the company finally arrived within the walls of Skyhold itself, Thalia vaguely noticed the greetings and questions of many that greeted them. She quietly dismounted and absentmindedly walked toward Skyhol's entrance, when she suddenly stopped, her eyes finally noticing Varric standing there, with a desperate look in his eyes.

Maker, how could she not have thought about Varric? How was she to explain that it was her doing, that Hawke stayed behind to cover their escape? And suddenly, that feeling of numbness that had settled in through their journey back, seemed to vanish within an instant. Instead, raw emotions of all sorts seemed to overwhelm Thalia, causing her fists to clench, and her stomach turn. Her mouth went dry as feelings of dread, disgust, frustration, and despair seemed to attack her from all sides. She couldn't stay there, she couldn't stand their in front of so many watchful eyes anymore. She fled.

Her strides quickening with every step, the door to her quarters couldn't come soon enough. Thoughts bombarded every step, her emotions winding tighter like a tight cord. Absolute disgust for herself seemed to overwhelm her being. What kind of despicable person was she, to sentence someone to death like that? To ask them to stay behind in the living nightmare called the Fade. And then for her to be selfish enough to stop thinking of the others, to not think about Varric! Instead she had worried about herself the whole journey back, wishing to be comforted even! 'Weak,' she thought, 'to want comfort when you, of all people, should be comforting the others. You are the inquisitor after all, not some school girl with a scraped knee.'

But that was just it, wasn't it. She was the inquisitor. The one who always had to put a strong front, and never show weakness to anyone. Frustration took way as she thought about the unfairness of it all. Why did this all have to happen to her? What was it about her that made her suddenly the Herald of Andraste, leader of the Inquisition, with the cursed mark that was etched upon her hand? Why did she of all people, have to be the one that the mark happened land on? Divine Justinia confirmed what she already had suspected. She was just in the wrong place, and the wrong time. And now, she had the weight of all of Thedas on her shoulders because of it. As she finally stepped inside of her quarters, and up the last of the steps, she didn't know whether to scream or to cry. It was as if she was rooted to the spot, standing there in her quarters, turned away from the entrance, as the memories crashed over her mind in constant waves.

She sucked in quick breaths, in an attempt to quell her rapidly increasing tears when she heard the door to her quarters open, admitting Commander Cullen Rutherford, her Cullen, into the room.  
"Thalia?" He questioned softly. And with that, the dam broke.  
A great, heaving sob broke from Thalia's lips as all of the feelings she had so hard to suppress came rushing back. She closed her eyes, covering her mouth with one hand, as she felt her knees slowly crumple. Her descent to the stone floor was softened however, as the warm, ever protective arms of her commander encircled her.  
Quickly lifting her into his arms, he carried her over to her bed, where he held her as she cried.

—-

Cullen held her like that, in his arms for some time. Her hands clutching at his tunic, with the only the sounds of her sobs echoing against the stone walls. At some point he had buried his own face into her hair, breathing in the smells that screamed Thalia in every way.

It wasn't until her sobs started to lessen, and she hiccuped for breath, that Cullen brushed his hand against her cheek, and started to quietly sing.

" _Sera was never quite an agreeable girl -  
Her tongue tells tales of rebellion.  
But she was so fast,  
And quick with her bow,  
No one quite knew where she came from."_

A wet chuckle quietly emitted from Thalia's mouth, as she continued to lay in Cullen's armed. He smirked as he sang and continued with the silly song that was written by their resident bard.

" _Sera was never quite the quietest girl -  
Her attacks are loud and they're joyful.  
But she knew the ways of nobler men,  
And she knew how to enrage them._

 _She would always like to say  
"Why change the past,  
When you can own this day?"  
Today she will fight  
To keep her way  
She's a rogue and a thief  
And she'll tempt your fate."_

It was here that Thalia started to join in softly, singing with Cullen as well as laughing with him as they sang the jaunty tune. They continued to sing, fits of giggles breaking up the verses, until they had sung the last verse with a sense of finality. Letting loose a few last wet chuckles, Thalia curled up closer with Cullen, finally convincing him to lay his legs on the bed as well, so he was now fully reclined on the bed, with his back resting against the headboard.

They sat like that in silence for sometime. Cullen simply focusing on the sound of Thalia's breathing, while she focused on the steady beat of his heart, both savoring these small evidences that the two of them still yet lived.

As he ran his fingers through her dark hair, Cullen pondered on whether he should break the silence or not. But before a decision was made, Thalia opened her mouth and began to speak.

"I couldn't face him." She said in a choked whisper. "I… I saw Varric.. and I couldn't do it… I couldn't tell him.. tha..that because.. because of me… Hawke stayed b-b-behind. B-b-because of me… Hawke is dead.." Once more, choking sobs left Thalia's mouth, and she buried her face into his tunic once more. Cullen quickly made shushing noises and held her tightly once more, tucking her head under his chin.

"Thalia.. you can't blame yourself for this. It isn't your fault," he soothed.

"But it is my fault!" She cried. "When the time came, they both offered to be the one who stayed behind! They both offered! And I.. I c-c-chose Hawke. I w-w-willingly sacrificed Varric's best friend!" She was shaking now, overwhelmed with the memories that assaulted her mind once more. "I never wanted this," she said quietly, then slightly louder she continued, "I don't want this." As she spoke she clenched her fist where the mark lay. A soft green glow seemed to shine slightly through her clenched fingers as she stared at her hand. "Why do I have to have this?" She asked with pleading eyes staring into Cullen's.

It felt as if The Maker himself and delivered a mighty blow into Cullen's gut. Had he not been wondering the same thing? Hadn't he shouted to the heavens, asking why? Why her? She didn't deserve all of this. He closed his eyes, and let out a slow breath before he spoke once more. If his voice seemed to crack a little, Thalia didn't point it out.

"I can't say, sweetheart. If I could take this all away, if I could be in your place, I would. I would do anything, anything to prevent you from having to feel this pain." Resting his forehead on hers, he swallowed, hard. He couldn't trust himself to speak anymore. Thalia seemed to understand, and she too closed her eyes, concentrating on making her breathing match the steady rhythm of Cullen's. And as she did so, she felt herself slowly drift off to sleep.

Cullen's mind drifted as he felt Thalia's breaths even out, one hand still carding his fingers through her hair.

His mind drifted back to the moment where he found out about Thalia's fall. He remembered the sheer panic, and.. the heartbreak he felt. It wasn't until after she had returned from the Fade that he realized she was not in fact dead. For up until then, all he knew is that the ground broke from underneath her, and seemed to swallow her whole. For _hours_ he thought she was dead. He had fought with a desperation he had never fought with before. He had always been a controlled fighter. It was something that was instilled within him as a Templar. But after finding out about Thalia's fall, it was as though something broken within Cullen. And that scared him. Not because he regretted falling in love with Thalia, no, never that. But because he had never wanted _anyone_ in his life until now. Hadn't even confessed these very words to Thalia, during one of her visits to his tower?

He reflected on the day that he first laid eyes on her. Still a prisoner, she stood tall on that battlefield, closing the green fade rift that was torn open in the sky. He remembered how soon after he was talking with Cassandra, when their eyes met for the first time. It was at this memory, that Cullen started to softly sing once more.

" _Once we were  
In our peace  
With our lives assured._

 _Once we were_  
 _Not afraid of the dark."_

Even then with what seemed to be the end of the world crashing around them, Thalia's eyes had shown no fear, only determination. Not a single protest had escaped her lips, instead only her desire to help in anyway she could.

" _Once we sat in our kingdom  
With hope and pride._

 _Once we ran through_  
 _The fields with great strides."_

Had Thalia always been so tough? Cullen smiled as he tried to imagine a young Thalia, running through the fields of the Free Marches. His singing was interrupted by a soft chuckle, as he imagined his Thalia standing tall against the local boys, not deterred from joining them, despite her being the daughter of nobility. Yes, his Thalia must have been just as much of a spitfire as she was now.

" _We held the Fade  
And the demon's flight  
So far from our children  
And from our lives._

 _We held together_  
 _The fragile sky_  
 _To keep our way of life."_

Thalia did not hear Cullen's voice catch at these words, nor did she see his eyes wet with tears. She continued to sleep peacefully in her commander's arms, as he continued to sing, and ponder on the woman that he held.

It hurt almost like a physical wound, to think how constantly he had to let her leave Skyhold's borders to face demons and close rifts, risking her life everyday. And all the while, he had to remain in Skyhold. How he wished he could take her place.

" _Once we raised  
Up our chalice  
In victory._

 _Once we sat_  
 _In the light of our dreams._

 _Once we were_  
 _In our homeland_  
 _With strength and might._

 _Once we were_  
 _Not afraid of the night."_

It was then that Cullen knew without a doubt, that he could not lose Thalia. He couldn't. She was his light, his strength. She was his very reason that he breathed. She was his life source. And if she were to be taken away, he would soon follow. This should have frightened him he supposed, but it didn't. Instead it filled him with a calm understanding.

" _We held the Fade  
And the demon's flight  
So far from our children  
And from our lives._

 _We held together_  
 _The fragile sky_  
 _To keep our way of life."_

Cullen finished singing, his voice nothing but a whisper. Over the years, Cullen had seen much, and experienced much. He knew what torture felt like. He had seen what the lack of compassion could do. His experiences at Kinloch Hold, and Kirkwall had taught him that much. He had had felt the lack of light in his life intimately. And he knew, that were he to experience it once more, there would be no coming back from it. He would become a shell of himself. Walking mindlessly day to day, hollowed out to the core.

' _Thalia wouldn't want that,'_ a voice in the back of his mind seemed to whisper. And it was true. If Thalia ever saw him in that state, it would destroy her. Thalia, who was so full of life, would never want to see Cullen living that life, especially because of her.

Letting out a deep, shaky breath, Cullen silently made a vow within himself. No matter what happened, no matter what the future held, he would try and live for his Thalia. He would fight tooth and nail for her survival, but if in the off chance she did not come home, he would live for her. He would make sure that Thedas never forgot her. _He_ would never forget her.

Tears returned to Cullen's eyes, and he quickly closed them tight, affirming that vow within his mind, before pushing all remnants of those thoughts from his mind. He would live for his Thalia if the worst were to happen, but there wasn't any certainty that that future would even come to pass. What was certain, was that she laid in his arms now. She lived and she was his, as he was hers. And he wouldn't take that for granted.

If his thoughts still seemed to linger, they soon fled as Thalia mumbled something unintelligible in her sleep, and buried her face deeper into Cullen's tunic, a soft snore escaping her lips. Cullen chuckled softly and carefully settled them both to where they now lay full on the bed. Kissing her forehead ever so gently, Cullen then closed his eyes. The dawn would indeed come, but they would be there, ready to receive it.

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 **Notes:** **The songs used in this FanFiction were selected from the Dragon Age Inquisition: Bard Songs. The two used in this particular story were "Sera" and "Once We Were".**


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